Insane Olaf
by radishesandspectraspects
Summary: Need I say more?
1. Chapter 1

***Disclaimer: I do not own A Series Of Unfortunate Events. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this. I also do not own Marine Land. (Thank Goodness. That song pisses me off.)***

"Klaus!" said Violet.

Klaus looked up from the book he was reading, "Yes Violet?"

His sister beamed at him, "We just got an invitation to the annual VFD picnic! Isn't that wonderful!"

"Kufalo." agreed Sunny.

"Well what are we waiting for," said Violet, "Let's go!"

She grabbed her siblings arms and dragged them out the door, where a city transit bus just pulled up.

"Why is she so excited?" Klaus asked Sunny, "It's just a picnic."

"Gabagi." replied Sunny, which meant something along the lines of, "Because she gets to see QUIGLEY."

The two of them broke out into a fit of giggles as Violet pulled them onto the bus. Suddenly, a pair of sweaty hands clasped themselves around Klaus' ankle.

"Don't go!" wailed a childish voice.

Klaus looked behind him and saw no other than Count Olaf, who seemed to have banged something extremely hard on his head.

"Klaus, come on!" said Violet as she yanked on Klaus' arm.

"Don't go!" wailed Olaf as he pulled on Klaus' ankle.

Klaus winced as his sister and the villian played Tug-A-War with his arm and ankle, and was quite thankful when Violet spotted Quigley at the back of the bus.

"Quigley!" she squealed, letting go of Klaus in the process.

Klaus tumbled out of the bus wincing as he hit the pavement. The doors on the bus closed and the transit bus rumbled down the road towards a hill in the distance, where Klaus assumed must be the location of the VFD picnic.

Olaf beamed at Klaus. "Guess we'll have to walk then FRIEND." he said in his babyish voice, stretching the word 'friend'.

Klaus face palmed himself.

"Come along then you annoying little twerp."

After only a minute of walking, Klaus had just about enough of this new, harmless, painfully annoying version of Olaf.

"Klaus!" Olaf whined.

Klaus groaned. "What now, Olaf."

"I want a cookie!"

"But..." he began, "Ugg, fine."

Klaus reached into his pocket to pull out an oatmeal cookie he had been saving for later, when his hand brushed against something, well, papery.

He pulled out the paper and skimmed over the words. As he read, a slow smile spread across his face as he recognized the coded writing of his former guardian.

"This is Aunt Josephine's note! I can't believe it survived this long!"

When he reached the bottom of the note, however, he noticed a few messy words scribbled in the bottom left corner that were not there before.

They read: Hey Aunt Jo,

Go jump out a window!

"Who the hell wrote this!" roared Klaus.

Olaf quickly slapped his hands over his ears.

"You shouldn't be swearing in front of little children you know." he pouted.

Klaus glared at Olaf.

"Did you write this?!" he asked menacingly.

"So what if I did," Olaf replied, "Your friend Isadora isn't the only one who can write couplets."

"You call THAT a couplet!" Klaus yelled.

"It rhymes doesn't it?" huffed Olaf.

Klaus began walking again, muttering to himself in frustration. Olaf skipped behind him, randomly wandering off to chase a butterfly or to tie his shoe for the millionth time.

"Klaus!" whined Olaf again.

Klaus winced and decided to try ignoring him.

"KLAUS!" whined Olaf.

Okay, this isn't working.

"WHAT?!" yelled Klaus.

"You never gave me a cookie." pouted Olaf.

Klaus pulled out the cookie and gave it to Olaf. Olaf eyed it suspiciously.

"What kind is it?"

Klaus looked at him questioningly. "Oatmeal, why?"

Suddenly, Olaf screamed and chucked the cookie as far as he could throw it, which wasn't very far.

"What did you do that for!?" asked Klaus.

Olaf looked at him in fear. "I can't eat anything starting with the letter O because my name starts with O and if I eat anything starting with the same letter as my name it's like I'm eating myself!"

Klaus stared at him blankly.

"You are one strange person."

Finally, Klaus and Olaf reached the hill where the VFD picnic was taking place. Violet and Sunny ran over to Klaus with a plate of peppermints.

"Hey Klaus!" they said, "Wanna peppermint?"

Klaus jumped back in fear.

"What are you doing with those? All three of us are allergic to those!"

"Correction," Voilet and Sunny said, each popping one into their mouth, "You're allergic to them."

Klaus scowled and looked away in annoyance, then he noticed that Olaf wasn't there.

"Oh crap! Where did he go now!"

Suddenly, Olaf came riding towards them on a dolphin. It jumped into the air as Olaf opened his mouth and sang: "Everyone loves Marine Land!"

Klaus sank to the ground in futile position and began to weep softly as the rest of the picnickers stared in awe at the fireworks that were erupting out of a birthday hat on the dolphin's head.


	2. Chapter 2

**The VFD picnic**

When Klaus finished feeling sorry for himself, he wiped his eyes to see a face with triangular glasses looking down at him worriedly.

"OMG it's a jack-o-lantern!" screamed a very frightened Klaus.

The face's worried gaze turned to one of anger.

"That's the 100th time today that I've been mistaken for a Halloween decoration!" said the face, who Klaus finally figured out was actually Fiona, "I've had enough of this crap!"

_Wow _thought Klaus _I wish I could tell that to Olaf._

Fiona stomped over to the picnic table, where her brother Fernald was singing American Pie to, well, a pie.

"Bye, bye miss american pie!" sang Fernald.

Fiona twisted his ear before he could sing the next verse. "Oh you'll be saying goodbye to the pie all right, cause we're leaving RIGHT NOW! And FYI that song isn't even about a pie!"

Fernald stared at her in bewilderment, "It's not? Now I'm all confused. :("

Fiona stared at him strangely, "How did you manage to insert a frowny face if we're talking face-to-face?"

"MAGIC!" screamened Olaf. Yes, screamened. I wanted to spell it correctly, but Olaf threatened me with mustard if I didn't spell it according to his wishes. And I regret saying how he was harmless now in the first chapter.

Startled, Fiona stumbled into the picnic table, dragging her brother off the bench in the process. She bumped into the table and a large pitcher of orange juice fell over, spilling it's contents all over the front of Fiona's white top. Fernald's case wasn't much better. When Fiona dragged him off the bench, one of his hooks caught onto the edge of the pie, flipping it onto the grass.

"Who said that!" yelled Fiona, looking like a bull does before it charges.

"He did it." lied Olaf, pointing to Klaus and grinning innocently.

"Klaus! screamed an even angrier Fiona.

Klaus looked up in bewilderment.

"What did I do?" he asked nervously as Fernald began licking pieces of pie off of the grass.

"I'll tell you what you did," Fiona said menacingly, "You made me spill orange juice all over my white shirt!"

"Aye! Kill him Fiona!" yelled Captain Widdershins, who was currently hula-hooping with penguins, "He who hesitates is lost! Aye!"

"Looks like Klaus is gonna die,

Shame, I thought he was my kind of guy." recited, obviously, Isadora who had been sitting up in a tree.

"Isadora? Is that you?" Klaus said before he got kicked by Fiona.

Olaf's face lit up. "Dora? Dora the explorer?!"

"No, not Dora." replied Isadora, who obviously had more patience than Klaus, "ISAdora."

But Olaf had already wandered away, so he didn't hear Isadora correcting him. He was too interested in the contents of the picnic table. He heaved himself on top of the picnic table and over to a large cake with the letters VFD written in green icing on top. Olaf sat himself in front of the cake and slapped his hand directly in the middle of the cake. Licking his messy hand, he grabbed two forks and pretended to play the drums on the cake because it was, in fact, circular. After about a minute, he got bored and proceeded to a bowl of chips. He picked up the largest chip, liked it, and crawled of the table towards a very beat up Klaus.

"Chip for you, Klaus." said Olaf.

"Thanks Olaf." said Klaus, who was hurting too much to think strait when he took the chip from a grinning Olaf.

He bit into the chip and immeadiatley spit it back out.

"GAH!" he sputtered, "This is WET! GROSS!"

He continued to sputter as Olaf crawled away to cause havac elsewhere.

**Well, that ends chapter two. Personally, I think that this wasn't very funny at all. The incident with the hand in the cake is actually something my sister did on her first birthday. :) I promise the next chapter will be funnier. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, let's give Klaus a little break. Now let's pick on Lemony Snicket! Mwahahaha! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own ASOUE.**

Olaf wandered away from a gagging Klaus over to the one and only Lemony Snicket. And when I say "only" I really mean "only". Seriously, who else would name their kid Lemony? Did his parents WANT him to get beat up?

Lemony looked down at Olaf and smiled.

"Hello again Olaf!" he said, "My, you really need a haircut, and I bet your teeth aren't much better."

Olaf's hands flew to his head.

Never!" he screamed, "I will never cut my hair! I want to be Rapunzel!"

Lemony looked him strangely.

"You are much different than I wrote you in my book." he said.

Olaf beamed. "I in book?"

"Yeah" said Lemony.

Olaf whipped his stringy hair. "I is fatabulus!" he shrieked.

Lemony backed away slowly.

"Can I see book?" asked Olaf.

"Uh, sure." said Lemony, throwing him the book.

Olaf crawled over to the book and read the cover. He looked at the cover and attempted to read Lemony's name.

"You are Lemonhead." said Olaf.

"No, my name is Lemon-"

"Nade" finished Olaf.

"No."

"Lemon Snickerdoodle?"

"No."

"Snickers."

"NO!" screamed Lemony in frustration, "My name is LEMONY SNICKET!"

"Oh..." said Olaf, "I knew that."

Lemony faced palmed himself.

Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain on his left ankle.

"OW!" yelled Lemony.

He looked down to see Olaf biting his ankle. Lemony yanked his ankle away from Olaf's sharp teeth.

"What did you do that for?!" said Lemony while massaging his ankle.

Olaf looked at him as if it was obvious.

"Well, your name is Lemony, so I figured that you must taste like lemons."

Lemony ran away screaming and Olaf followed him. At the same time, Violet was running towards Lemony with his typewriter in her hands.

"Mr. Snicket! I fixed your typewriter for you!" she said cheerily.

"Oh, thank you very much Violet" he said, not knowing that Olaf had followed him.

"MR. SNICKET!" squealed Olaf.

Lemony jumped, screaming like a little girl, and hid behind Violet.

"What do you want?" he asked nervously.

Olaf held out the book.

"I finished." he said.

Lemony stared at him. "How could you have finished that book already?"

"Simple," said Olaf, "It says "The End" right on the cover, and "The End" means that the story is finished."

"Let me see that." said Violet. She flipped through the book, then stopped at a page near the end.

"What the hell!" yelled Violet angrily, "I was almost named Lemony?!"

She turned to Lemony Snicket and held the book up to his face.

"Is this true?!" she asked menacingly.

"Yes." squeaked Lemony.

With a roar louder than Fiona's, Violet lifted the typewriter and brought it crashing down on Lemony's head.

Olaf, with his short attention span, wandered back towards the picnic table where Sunny was just about to serve dinner.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm Baaacckkk! Did you miss me? Sorry for not updating earlier but I had gone on vacation and school got in the way sooo, yeah.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own ASOUE (I thought we settled this already?)**

Olaf crawled over to the youngest Baudelaire, who was busy trying to get Uncle Monty to eat something.

"Gabla." she said while handing Monty a bowl of pasta. Monty looked like he was going to cry.

" The noodles remind me of snakes." he sobbed.

Sunny face-palmed and handed him a hamburger. Suddenly Olaf leaped up and snatched the burger from Sunny's hands.

" My preciousssss!" hissed Olaf.

Sunny gave him her best 'Wtf?" face and chucked an apple at his head. Olaf, not being very bright, opened his mouth and swallowed the apple whole.

He started choking, and Sunny whacked him on the back with a frying pan to try to get him to spit it out. The apple then flew out of Olaf's mouth and hit Klaus smack on the chin.

" Owww." moaned Klaus.

Olaf, feeling much better now that he wasn't chocking to death, decided to cause some more havoc.

He crawled over to Klaus and pointed at his shoe.

"Tie shoe pwease." he said with a big grin on his face.

Klaus looked at him warily. "Okay." Klaus then tied a single bunny-ear loop.

Olaf took one look at his shoe and spazzed.

"You did it wrong!" he wailed. "I want a double bunny-ear loop, not a single bunny-ear loop!"

Klaus sighed and tied the double loop. He looked up to see Olaf looking at him disapprovingly.

" What ya trying to pull Klaus?" said Olaf, "Start at the beginning."

Klaus straightened his glasses and undid and redid the loop to Olaf's liking. Olaf grinned and started skipping away. Five seconds later Olaf skipped back to Klaus. Somehow, his shoe was undone again.

" Tie shoe pwease." he said.

" No." said Klaus. "I saw you tie your shoe a million times while we were walking here, tie it yourself."

Olaf's face went red and he kicked his shoe off of his foot, which of course flew right into Klaus' nose.

" Owww!" yelped Klaus.

Olaf stuck his tongue out at Klaus and crawled over to Duncan.

Duncan was busy blowing bubbles, when Olaf held out his hand abruptly in front of his face.

" Gimme doughnuts!" ordered Olaf.

Duncan gave him a confused look, "What?"

" You Duncan. I want Duncan Doughnuts!" screamed Olaf.

" Um, it's Dunkin' Doughnuts, not Duncan Doughnuts." corrected Duncan.

" So?" said Olaf.

" Well, I don't have any doughnuts."

" No offense, but that's kind-of dumb." said Olaf.

Duncan shrugged and went back to blowing bubbles. Suddenly, Olaf snatched the bubble soap out of Duncan's hand.

" Hey!" said Duncan.

At that moment, Mr. Poe walked over.

" What's the matter Duncan?" asked the banker.

Olaf screamed and chucked the bubble soap at Mr. Poe's eyes.

" Ow!" screamed Mr. Poe, "Why did you do that!"

" I scared of hats." whimpered Olaf.

" But Olaf, aren't you in theatre? Hats are part of your costumes." said Duncan.

" I in theatre?" asked Olaf.

" Of course you're in theatre!" said Esme Squalor, who had just arrived at the picnic wearing a puffy, red, orange, and green dress.

" Birdy!" squealed Olaf, pointing at Esme.

" What?!" asked Esme in surprise.

Olaf reached into his pocket and drew out a fistfull of crackers. He held them up to Esme.

" Polly want a cracker?" he asked.

" Are you calling me a parrot?!"

" Why isn't the birdy squawking?" asked Olaf.

Esme bolted away from creepy Olaf while he crawled after her with the crackers. Unfortunately, she ended up running straight into the picnic table, landing into a bowl of crackers.

" Oh." said Olaf, "Polly wanted Triscuits."

" Well, since the food is ruined, I say we all just go home." said Violet.

" Agreed." said everyone else.

The V.F.D. Members all jumped into their cars, taxis, or buses and left. Klaus made it onto the bus without Olaf following him and breathed a sigh of relief.

" Hello!" said Olaf, swinging down from the compartment above.

" Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"


End file.
